Love is a many splendored thing?

Do you ever have those days when you wonder what it is about you that keeps members of the opposite sex from loving you? DUH!

I have a lot of male friends. Very good friends whom I love dearly. And they are wonderful men. And sometimes I wonder...what is it about me that keeps all these relationships from moving beyond that stage. Is it them or is it me??

Coming out of a dreadfully bad marriage has made me cautious...that I know. I wonder sometimes if I emotionally stiff arm men to make sure they don't get any closer than a friend. It's easy for me to say their lack of romantic interest is because I am "full figured" or that I am no beauty prize. But I think the truth is that for so long I have held people at arm's length. I have kept myself from being emotionally available.

Emotional wounds are so much more difficult than physical ones I think. I have had to reprogram my brain, because of the things that my ex made me feel and things he said. When you spend years being assured of your lack of self worth, even by someone you know is not a good person, it has an effect on how you see yourself and on how you let others into your life. As much as I want a good and healthy relationship and a mate, there is that little voice in the back of my head that says "Look out!" and it is hard not to hear it.

The straight thinking part of me knows that I have learned so much and I know that I will be a better wife in all areas. That part knows that I desire the companionship and intimacy of a mate. That part knows that despite my looks or my weight or any of those externals, that I have a good and loving heart and that someone out there will see that first and foremost.......I just have to figure out how to evict that little voice from the back of my head once and for all.....