Love is a many splendored thing?

Do you ever have those days when you wonder what it is about you that keeps members of the opposite sex from loving you? DUH!

I have a lot of male friends. Very good friends whom I love dearly. And they are wonderful men. And sometimes I wonder...what is it about me that keeps all these relationships from moving beyond that stage. Is it them or is it me??

Coming out of a dreadfully bad marriage has made me cautious...that I know. I wonder sometimes if I emotionally stiff arm men to make sure they don't get any closer than a friend. It's easy for me to say their lack of romantic interest is because I am "full figured" or that I am no beauty prize. But I think the truth is that for so long I have held people at arm's length. I have kept myself from being emotionally available.

Emotional wounds are so much more difficult than physical ones I think. I have had to reprogram my brain, because of the things that my ex made me feel and things he said. When you spend years being assured of your lack of self worth, even by someone you know is not a good person, it has an effect on how you see yourself and on how you let others into your life. As much as I want a good and healthy relationship and a mate, there is that little voice in the back of my head that says "Look out!" and it is hard not to hear it.

The straight thinking part of me knows that I have learned so much and I know that I will be a better wife in all areas. That part knows that I desire the companionship and intimacy of a mate. That part knows that despite my looks or my weight or any of those externals, that I have a good and loving heart and that someone out there will see that first and foremost.......I just have to figure out how to evict that little voice from the back of my head once and for all.....

Don't Give up...try again....

Those are the first words of a song I used to sing in a gospel group I was in many years ago. The song said

Don't give up, try again. This time you can make it. Don't you see all heaven wants you to win. Gather all your courage together and make a final stand and I know that you can make it this time.

There is a power that has come to help you stand. It is the spirit of God sent down to man. If you will just trust His name, your life He will rearrange and I know, that you can make it this time.

You may be scarred, you may be bruised from trying so many other things but I know through Jesus that you can win. For the price was paid in full when the spikes went down in to the wood and I know that you can make it this time.

I think about that song even after all these years. We all fall and get scarred and bruised along the way. God understands our flaws and our weaknesses as well as our strengths and our true intents. He is standing right beside us with a hand toward us....all we have to do is make the effort to reach up and take hold.

I look back at the last few years of my life. I was scarred and bruised and in many ways felt lost and alone. I tried to "pull myself up by my bootstraps" so to speak. But until I was able to fully surrender my life, problems and scars and bruises and all, God couldn't move. When I finally did that, so many things changed.

Although I still have my struggles, God has brought me to a place where I have people I can turn to...for love and support and encouragement. And He has taught me to do the same for the people around me..to reach out and to be able to love no matter the circumstance. I have made so many new and wonderful friends who have blessed my life in so many ways. See...all along God knew that I needed people around. I had been isolated for so long due to circumstance, but God knew the desire deep down for relationship.

There was another song that touched me in my journey back to joy. It says:

You can have my heart, though it isn't new. It's been bruised and broken and it only comes in blue. It's been down a long road. It got dirty on the way. If I give it to you can you make it new and wash the pain away.....

I have learned that God can mend your heart, no matter what it was that broke it. You can love and trust and have joy again.

I have truly learned the value of the scripture that says if you want to have friends, then show yourself friendly. God has been bountiful in His blessings to me and I hope to always remember that and do my best to be a blessing in return.

At the Airport....

I sit now at the airport the "morning after" the most recent terrorist plot was foiled. Of course, I overslept a bit. I have a 7:30am flight, live 50 miles from the airport and woke up at 5am. Well.....I rushed to get to my car, went without my morning coffee and rushed off to the airport. I had to park in extended parking, catch the bus to the terminal, check my luggage that had all the appropriate liquids stowed in carry on, go thru security...would I make it??

People in the USA are resilient and flexible. I not only made it throught the process with ease, I was the first in line at the "A" boarding for Southwest. We get worked up about things like getting to the airport on time. This may have been the quickest and easiest I have ever made it. Go figure! :)

I must now board my plane...I will write something intelligent after I have had my coffee......