It's been quite some time since I posted a blog. Life gets so hectic at times and it seems like I meet myself coming and going.



I tend to be a "ponderer" at times...just needing to step back and have a look at life and what is going on around me. Our lives go in such cycles, good and bad.



I have been technically single now for eight and a half years, though divorced only 4 and a half. I have had a few dates, met a few guys. I know it is a good thing that I went through some counseling before I started dating again and established my own sense of worth, because if I processed everything I have been told by other people about me in the last few years my self image would be the pits.



I have become a skeptic of real love. What I see in the Christian dating world is so much shallowness and so much "what's in it for me" that it makes me wonder at times if I really want a relationship. But God puts that desire, as the song says, "I was made to love and be loved by you." I am not big on this new trend of making lists of what you want and letting God know. God does not always send things in the package we expect or anticipate. And yet men and women alike all think they are going to find the perfect person, perfect body, perfect intellect, perfect situation. While God is perfection, we are not. We are all getting older and let me tell you..stuff happens! Things change. We all need to take a step back from the chase and ask God what He wants for us..and who He wants for us. If you can only love me as a size 10..then you do not really love ME. Did you ever as a kid get a package on Christmas morning, all brightly colored and wrapped and the anticipation of something wonderful was there..and you open it to find socks and underwear? While these are very important things it is not what we expected. The package means nothing in the grand scheme of things. It truly has no correlation to what is on the inside, the gift that God has created.



My friend told me this weekend she is getting married. This friend is divorced and has never learned to truly take care of herself. I have tried over the past 4 years to encourage her to get on her own and feel that sense of safety in knowing you can survive out there (with God's help of course). But her mind has always been on the pursuit of finding her husband. And she has. I am relieved that he is a good man who treats her well, because she has been involved with several who were not. I finally had to come to the place where I just accept that she needs to have someone to take care of her. Maybe that really is my problem. I want a relationship that is about wanting to be together, not needing to be together. I just want a man who is strong enough to deal with the fact that I am independent, but can also see that I desire the companionship and would welcome that partner, helping me make it through life. That is what I want.....but I feel like that is never going to happen. So I go through life, working too much, stressing about the details and waiting on God. I will enjoy my life as fully as I can but wait to see if God is going to open my heart to someone new...or if there really is just nobody out there to love me as I am, then I just pray that God will keep me content in my singleness.